A Good Feeling

When you meet someone wonderful, it's hard not to let your mind drift into past experiences. You think about all that pain.. And if you're not careful, it causes you to pause. I recently began "seeing" someone who I met a few months ago. Neither of us knew it was coming to this, but I think we're both pretty thrilled that it did.

So far, here's what he has taught me (in the last TWO DAYS since we were made official).

-Nothing is ever what it seems. The wolf is not always going to eat you-- so watch your back around those pigs, too.

-Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball. If you want to win, you'll have to learn how to swing even if you're only a little sure. Because a strike is still a strike; but at least you can say you tried.

-And always consider when a handsome man offers you his loyalty. Some of them are snakes, but certainly not all of them. Know how to tell the difference, and say yes to the good ones.

This one, he's a keeper, I think. He's a wolf in wolves' clothing. But he's got the heart of a sheep :-)

To Be Free

I took Ginger for a walk this morning. The sun had barely come up, and the smell of dew was fresh in the air. It was surprisingly cool, and it felt new to be doing anything so early.

We walked to the large open field, and I took off her leash. I watched as she ran and ran, picking up speed. I smiled at the way she enjoyed it. As if she knew that it would be a good day; if for no other reason than just because. I watched her, and I felt so envious of her.

The way she ran with the wind in her hair, a smile on her face, and so much life.. I was envious because it has been a very long time since I've felt that way. Really, I'm not sure I've ever felt that.. free.

I've been feeling weighted down lately. By what, I don't know. I have time to myself, love interests, but something just feels off. I wondered is it that something really is off? Or did I just want it to be?

There are so many things going for me.. So I know that I'm doing well.

Then it hit me. Things are going well. I am on the path to success- what ever my personal success may be. What's wrong is that unlike Ginger, my leash has been on. I'm not out having fun, not roaming freely. I've cooped myself up with my dog and a television. Of course I feel something is off.

That something is me.

So I made a promise to myself. It's a pretty easy one to keep. Take off the leash.

I'm doing just that.

Yep, I'm Alive.

I've been battling with myself over whether or not I should tell this story. I mean, sure, many of you already know it.. But I want to tell it anyway. I want someone to be able to gain from my past; from my pain.

A year ago, I went through a breakup. It was sad, and painful.. It was really hard. Even after all his reasons and everything else, I didn't understand why. Why did we have to break up? What was it, really, that made him so terrified?

I came to realize months later, that it wasn't for me to understand. When someone lets you out of their life and things seemed to be going well, you don't sit and wonder what happened. It's too painful. I lived in limbo for what seemed like forever. You know, days go by, tears fall, memories haunt you.. I was nowhere girl.

I was so shaken by this breakup- I couldn't close my eyes without seeing his face, or go places without remembering times we had shared there. For months, I would imagine that I saw his car.. Or that it was all a dream. I felt numb, and I felt irreparably broken. I found an anonymous quote, and it really brought me through. It said:

"Relationships are like broken glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself trying to put them back together."

So thats what i did. I swept it up, and put it into a trash bag. I stared at it for days, trying to decide if that was really the way to go. When I realized that i was wasting time, and that i was only prolonging the grief, i threw it out. So yea, I speak from personal experience when I tell you to build a new heart. Let go of fear. Experience life.

Well, I received a message from this same guy, suggesting a job to me. At first, I thought... This is spam. There's no way he'd email me. Not after all the pain he caused. Not after I told him- "Lose my number. I don't want to hear from you."

But, I went into my sent emails from over a year ago, and sure enough... Same address.

The truth is, it took me until only a couple months ago to not think of him every day. To not wish him well, wonder where he was, what he was thinking, who he was with.. It took that long! So, for him to email me... Now.. After I stopped thinking of him? Well my initial response was:

FUCK YOU.

But now that I've had. Some time to let it set in, I don't feel that way. Actually, I feel sort of the opposite way.

Now, I'm thinking I should thank him. And yes, I still love him. I love the version of him that brought me flowers and kissed my forehead. I love the guy that was fearless in his endeavors. The one who showed me that my heart wasn't broken, just a little damaged.

But I don't love the guy that ran away.


All of this nonsense is what I give you, my humble, ridiculous (because.. Why are you reading this?) reader. I'm telling you that someone shattered everything I knew. And that even though I had to spend months building a new heart, I understand now that it was an experience I needed. I needed to feel that gut wrenching pain. Needed to know what it could do to a person, first hand. Because now I know that I'm alive.

Get off the couch, you lazy bum. Take a walk, feel the wind in your hair, the rain on your skin. Feel anything.. Just feel.

And when you're finished being sad about your recent heart pains (death, breakups, shitty days...), take comfort in knowing that tomorrow is a new day; next month will be better. And in a year, you'll look back on what's happened and feel different. You'll know that you're alive.

I'm a firm believer in love. I know that out there, is someone looking for a girl like me. I know, because I'm looking for him, too. Don't give up on the things you believe in. Don't let go of the things you love. It bleeds today, hurts tomorrow, and scabs next week. If you let it heal, you might get off with just a little scar.

Building New Hearts

I'd say it's funny, but really it's more sad the way we hold on to things. The things that hurt us, scar us, and leave us so afraid of moving on.

Love lost is terrifying. Because even though a person has not truly died, a part of us dies when we are no longer together. We feel the emptiness of our beds. We miss the new friends we had made. It really is like a funeral, isn't it? Or like a funeral and a divorce mixed?

Friends choose sides, we must give things back (or light them on fire like they did in the olden days). Suddenly all that joy is removed from your life, and one, or both, are left with broken hearts.

It has come to my attention that there is no sense in trying to mend a broken heart. It's not like a sweater with a hole in it, or a broken down Chevy. A heart, once broken, does not ever fully mend. I propose, instead of mending the old heart, you get a new one.

It's free of cost.

All you have to do is make your memories, just memories. And start fresh. Don't keep their things, don't try to reconcile. Just.. move on. Listen to music that makes you feel good, change your hair, clean your apartment.

AND PLEASE- wash your bed sheets. There is nothing left in the smell of your former lover resting on the pillow. Nothing but sadness and self doubt.

Build yourself a new heart, and with it, find new love.

Intimacy (2/3)

This is the second of my three-part "I" series...

I've been waiting for the perfect time to write this one.. Trying to get my wording just right. I think it's as good as it will ever be.

For the last few days, I've been having a long drawn out conversation with a guy I know. I must say- I usually don't feel the need to talk specifically about my personal life here, but this is so directly related that I feel I would be doing my readers an injustice by not telling you.

So this guy, who I call Army, is someone who I had a bit of a fling with last year. We only hung out twice, but we chatted a lot. He was like my baby blanket; it was easy and safe. I wasn't worried about heartbreak because I knew that what ever was left of his heart was hidden deep down somewhere. I enjoyed his company.. And our time together. But a couple of weeks before the holiday season, I decided I didn't want to see him anymore. Because I realized I was avoiding something that I loved; the ability to feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually connected to another human being. I enjoyed our physical time together, but our chats were never intense. He did not make me feel good about myself (he didn't make me feel bad, either but..). He did not challenge me.

In the last couple of days, we've been having a very single minded chat. It basically went like this:
A: "I want to have sex with you."
Me: "No."
A: "Why not?"
Me: "I want more than sex."
A: "Well, I'm moving soon, and I really want to see you again."
Me: "You moving doesn't make me want to change my mind. I want more. You can't give me that"

You get the picture.

So this morning I received his last plea. After refusing him again, we fell into this friendly discussion about why things happened the way they did between us. Eventually, I got frustrated with him, and basically told him I thought he was a coward and sometimes even a jerk. I mean, two whole days of arguing about why we should have sex!? We ended up apologizing to each other and wishing each other luck in future endeavors.

After our talk, something just bugged the hell out of me. I didn't understand why it was so hard for Army to let it go. I want more than just a FWB. I want someone who is going to be around no matter what. Someone who could challenge me mentally, enrich me spiritually, and support me emotionally. I wanted intimacy.

It suddenly hit me that all this time I've been spending trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to say.. The words were there all along. I wanted to tell you, the reader, why everyone searches for something in others. Something you can't get from everyone, but if you're really lucky, you can find in someone.

Most people think of intimacy and they immediately jump to sex. But that's just not fair to the word. A word that means "an act evidencing the close familiarity with a person" by Webster's definition. So intimacy, then, is the way you know your boyfriend hates tomatoes, or your girlfriend is secretly afraid of the garbage disposal. It is also the way you hold your significant other as you fall asleep, hugging them tightly after a long hard day. It's everything you do that shows just how closely you are bonded to another person.

Since my last relationship, I have been without the male/female intimacy that I love so much. I guess to be honest, even towards the end of that relationship, the intimacy had been lacking. I felt us growing apart... And more than anything, I want to feel the beauty of growing together with someone again.

This is what most people want. I know it because I hear it all the time. And because when I look into the eyes of a passerby- the long distanced look.. The one that reveals a sadness that can only be brought about by longing.. I know it. I've seen it in my own eyes.

So why do we fight it? It seems that there is a strong battle of wills when it comes to people and getting what we want. This nagging, persistent, beast that we cannot avoid. It's as though we enjoy our own pain and anger. And even when we see ourselves getting what we want, until we give in, we try to convince ourselves it is not right.

My choice, months ago, to abstain from sex, was about allowing myself the opportunity to enhance my life. To focus solely on the three things that matter the most to me: my education, my health, and my love. Without sex to cloud your life, there is a world of clarity. And the path that seemed so daunting before, while still twisted and forked, is no longer a fright. It's a challenge, sure, but it is also a journey. I feel myself becoming more in tuned with the things I care about most. The things I love, the things I want, and the things I know will make me a stronger, wiser, and all around better person.

In making that choice, I also made another. I made the choice to free myself from the beast on my shoulder and in my head. And that nagging voice telling me to be more cautious, not to allow myself to love again? That voice is silenced.

I will find the intimacy that I need. And with it, I will find my love.

Mmm, Infatuation... (1/3)

That's right boys and girls. Gather round.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be healthy. Not just physically- everyone knows if you want a healthy body you've got to eat your fruits and veggies, not too much fat, and if you must eat dessert, don't eat the whole pie. But I'm talking about the health of your heart. The emotional one.

I've talked previously about the danger of our decisions in love. How choosing to be with someone for the wrong reasons can be just as bad as choosing to be with no one for reasons that.. well.. have proven true. This is about what we do once we've chosen someone to pair with. And the things we do that make our matches a bit less healthy.

We all have that friend; the one who constantly jumps into a relationship and allows themselves to be submerged in a lake of decisions that aren't exactly "heart healthy". (Ha, little pun) And even though they don't always like doing the things they do, they do because they feel compelled. Or because maybe these actions will keep The person they love interested for just a little bit longer.

This entry is for them.

Webster dictionary says love is "a strong affection for another person; an object of affection; a sweetheart". But then turn a few pages into the I's and infatuation is "inspire with foolish passion; esp. with love". Heh, so they can be related...

Here's the difference between healthy "love" and an infatuation. One word- "foolish". The minute, no, the second you become foolish, it's infatuation. Now, some people will tell you that love makes you do crazy things. These same people will tell you that a person will do anything for love, and that sometimes the things you do will simply not make sense. But there is flaw to this, no??

I know, I know.. I better pull out the good stuff or I might just lose you.

Movies

Valentine's Day: Ashton Kutcher's character realises he's in love and makes a mad dash to the airport to save the girl he loves from getting her heart broken by another man. love

I Love you, Beth Cooper: Paul Rust's character tells his entire school (in his graduation speech) that he's in love with Beth Cooper, a girl who barely notes his existence, and really doesn't care about anyone but herself. infatuation

He's Just Not That Into You: Ginnifer Goodwin's character is so hung up on a blind date, she goes to a place he says he frequents with a made-up reason to "run into him". Come on.. Do I have to? infatuation

Songs

It's Raining Men: These lady is obsessed with all men... I believe the correct term is horny, but for all intensive purposes... infatuation

Something: The Beatles really have a way of saying what the heart feels.. love

Losing My Religion: REM sings about all the things that could be... with someone who has obviously given up even considering loving you back. infatuation

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing: Aerosmith captures the thoughts we all have when thinking about or looking at the person we adore the most. This might be bordering a tad bit on infatuation though.. I mean you can't watch someone sleep all the time. That's just creepy. love

Look. It's pretty simple. The minute we find ourselves stalking someone, stealing their things, or writing them songs about how good they had it in the sack (once they've left you- that's right Alanis...), we are totally infatuated.

Our hearts need the balance that love brings. After all, you know that a "life without love is no life at all", right? It's important that when we do choose to open our hearts that we remain understanding and reasonable (at least mostly) about our following actions. So now that you've pulled yourself out of the idea of choosing no one to love, chose the right one. And allow yourself the chance to be you. Don't get caught up in pleasing him/her, or trying to keep hem around. Being yourself ought to take care of that.

But in the event things don't work out, instead of spending your time obsessed with the final days of the relationship, or what you did wrong, think about all the things you did right. And give yourself a pat on the back.

In conclusion...

So I felt it very necessary to finish out the year with something short, sweet, and a bit inspirational. So, here goes.

This year has been one crazy tornado of emotions. I started the year wonderfully, surrounded by people that were absolutely amazing. I had one of my best days ever, and one of my worst. In fact, I had the worst month ever as well. But such is life- and we cannot dwell on that which pains us.

Looking at where I am today, I can't say I fully saw this coming. Graduating in summer, single (and HAPPY), and more confident in my abilities as a chef, daughter, entrepreneur, and mom... Well, fine- dog owner. But my point is, I'm so excited to see what next year will bring my way. I'll have time for lots of new opportunities.. And lots of love.

So, the ultimate procrastinator is wishing a year of new open doors, new life, and new love. Happy new year, folks. Make it a great one.