Yep, I'm Alive.

I've been battling with myself over whether or not I should tell this story. I mean, sure, many of you already know it.. But I want to tell it anyway. I want someone to be able to gain from my past; from my pain.

A year ago, I went through a breakup. It was sad, and painful.. It was really hard. Even after all his reasons and everything else, I didn't understand why. Why did we have to break up? What was it, really, that made him so terrified?

I came to realize months later, that it wasn't for me to understand. When someone lets you out of their life and things seemed to be going well, you don't sit and wonder what happened. It's too painful. I lived in limbo for what seemed like forever. You know, days go by, tears fall, memories haunt you.. I was nowhere girl.

I was so shaken by this breakup- I couldn't close my eyes without seeing his face, or go places without remembering times we had shared there. For months, I would imagine that I saw his car.. Or that it was all a dream. I felt numb, and I felt irreparably broken. I found an anonymous quote, and it really brought me through. It said:

"Relationships are like broken glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself trying to put them back together."

So thats what i did. I swept it up, and put it into a trash bag. I stared at it for days, trying to decide if that was really the way to go. When I realized that i was wasting time, and that i was only prolonging the grief, i threw it out. So yea, I speak from personal experience when I tell you to build a new heart. Let go of fear. Experience life.

Well, I received a message from this same guy, suggesting a job to me. At first, I thought... This is spam. There's no way he'd email me. Not after all the pain he caused. Not after I told him- "Lose my number. I don't want to hear from you."

But, I went into my sent emails from over a year ago, and sure enough... Same address.

The truth is, it took me until only a couple months ago to not think of him every day. To not wish him well, wonder where he was, what he was thinking, who he was with.. It took that long! So, for him to email me... Now.. After I stopped thinking of him? Well my initial response was:

FUCK YOU.

But now that I've had. Some time to let it set in, I don't feel that way. Actually, I feel sort of the opposite way.

Now, I'm thinking I should thank him. And yes, I still love him. I love the version of him that brought me flowers and kissed my forehead. I love the guy that was fearless in his endeavors. The one who showed me that my heart wasn't broken, just a little damaged.

But I don't love the guy that ran away.


All of this nonsense is what I give you, my humble, ridiculous (because.. Why are you reading this?) reader. I'm telling you that someone shattered everything I knew. And that even though I had to spend months building a new heart, I understand now that it was an experience I needed. I needed to feel that gut wrenching pain. Needed to know what it could do to a person, first hand. Because now I know that I'm alive.

Get off the couch, you lazy bum. Take a walk, feel the wind in your hair, the rain on your skin. Feel anything.. Just feel.

And when you're finished being sad about your recent heart pains (death, breakups, shitty days...), take comfort in knowing that tomorrow is a new day; next month will be better. And in a year, you'll look back on what's happened and feel different. You'll know that you're alive.

I'm a firm believer in love. I know that out there, is someone looking for a girl like me. I know, because I'm looking for him, too. Don't give up on the things you believe in. Don't let go of the things you love. It bleeds today, hurts tomorrow, and scabs next week. If you let it heal, you might get off with just a little scar.