Intimacy (2/3)

This is the second of my three-part "I" series...

I've been waiting for the perfect time to write this one.. Trying to get my wording just right. I think it's as good as it will ever be.

For the last few days, I've been having a long drawn out conversation with a guy I know. I must say- I usually don't feel the need to talk specifically about my personal life here, but this is so directly related that I feel I would be doing my readers an injustice by not telling you.

So this guy, who I call Army, is someone who I had a bit of a fling with last year. We only hung out twice, but we chatted a lot. He was like my baby blanket; it was easy and safe. I wasn't worried about heartbreak because I knew that what ever was left of his heart was hidden deep down somewhere. I enjoyed his company.. And our time together. But a couple of weeks before the holiday season, I decided I didn't want to see him anymore. Because I realized I was avoiding something that I loved; the ability to feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually connected to another human being. I enjoyed our physical time together, but our chats were never intense. He did not make me feel good about myself (he didn't make me feel bad, either but..). He did not challenge me.

In the last couple of days, we've been having a very single minded chat. It basically went like this:
A: "I want to have sex with you."
Me: "No."
A: "Why not?"
Me: "I want more than sex."
A: "Well, I'm moving soon, and I really want to see you again."
Me: "You moving doesn't make me want to change my mind. I want more. You can't give me that"

You get the picture.

So this morning I received his last plea. After refusing him again, we fell into this friendly discussion about why things happened the way they did between us. Eventually, I got frustrated with him, and basically told him I thought he was a coward and sometimes even a jerk. I mean, two whole days of arguing about why we should have sex!? We ended up apologizing to each other and wishing each other luck in future endeavors.

After our talk, something just bugged the hell out of me. I didn't understand why it was so hard for Army to let it go. I want more than just a FWB. I want someone who is going to be around no matter what. Someone who could challenge me mentally, enrich me spiritually, and support me emotionally. I wanted intimacy.

It suddenly hit me that all this time I've been spending trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to say.. The words were there all along. I wanted to tell you, the reader, why everyone searches for something in others. Something you can't get from everyone, but if you're really lucky, you can find in someone.

Most people think of intimacy and they immediately jump to sex. But that's just not fair to the word. A word that means "an act evidencing the close familiarity with a person" by Webster's definition. So intimacy, then, is the way you know your boyfriend hates tomatoes, or your girlfriend is secretly afraid of the garbage disposal. It is also the way you hold your significant other as you fall asleep, hugging them tightly after a long hard day. It's everything you do that shows just how closely you are bonded to another person.

Since my last relationship, I have been without the male/female intimacy that I love so much. I guess to be honest, even towards the end of that relationship, the intimacy had been lacking. I felt us growing apart... And more than anything, I want to feel the beauty of growing together with someone again.

This is what most people want. I know it because I hear it all the time. And because when I look into the eyes of a passerby- the long distanced look.. The one that reveals a sadness that can only be brought about by longing.. I know it. I've seen it in my own eyes.

So why do we fight it? It seems that there is a strong battle of wills when it comes to people and getting what we want. This nagging, persistent, beast that we cannot avoid. It's as though we enjoy our own pain and anger. And even when we see ourselves getting what we want, until we give in, we try to convince ourselves it is not right.

My choice, months ago, to abstain from sex, was about allowing myself the opportunity to enhance my life. To focus solely on the three things that matter the most to me: my education, my health, and my love. Without sex to cloud your life, there is a world of clarity. And the path that seemed so daunting before, while still twisted and forked, is no longer a fright. It's a challenge, sure, but it is also a journey. I feel myself becoming more in tuned with the things I care about most. The things I love, the things I want, and the things I know will make me a stronger, wiser, and all around better person.

In making that choice, I also made another. I made the choice to free myself from the beast on my shoulder and in my head. And that nagging voice telling me to be more cautious, not to allow myself to love again? That voice is silenced.

I will find the intimacy that I need. And with it, I will find my love.